depressed

21 Feb

I started getting depressed senior year of high school. It got worse in collage.I tried to kill myself by walking to the train station in my town and I stood in the track when I thought the train was going to come but I messed up the schedule and found out that train came earlier. That mistake saved my life.As I exited the train station I noticed a billboard that had the suicidal hotline on it! I saw that as a sign to continue fighting!  Anyway fast foward to recently, I have been having Suicidal thoughts and I started cutting after 2 months of not cutting. I went to get help but my therapist does not understand my problems and some of my friends assume since I am seeing somebody for my depression I am fine. If only people knew how I really felt. How would you feel if somebody on the internet told you to go kill yourself and started cyberbullying you for no reason? how would you feel to be called f*g when your not gay? Words hurt and I have been silently suffering and my family does not notice anything. I was doing so well and I stopped cutting then I got cyberbullied on a day I could’nt vent my feelings out at karate and I totally lost it and cut my stomach with a hacksaw. That was on saturday. I have not cut since then but I believe that is due to the fact I have been able to go to karate. Going to karate gets rid of my suicidal thoughts that I sometimes have at night or my urges to cut. Karate keeps me going along with my favorite MMA star Jess Liaudin who told me on twitter to never give up….Now I feel like a horrible person for my mistakes and my parents think I just want attention and they dont understand. So I havent told them what I did and I have these huge scars across my stomach. I wonder if its better just to start cutting again  because If I dont cut for such a long time and something causes me to cut I cut more than normal!

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5 Responses to “depressed”

  1. vthcbbr February 21, 2012 at 11:10 pm #

    Hey, I understand what you’re going through. One of my good friends is a cutter. But, if I can give you advise on cyber-bullying.. It’s just that. Forget those clowns. They have nothing better than to talk shit behind a computer screen and my opinion is they are just frustrated neglected kids that have nothing better to do with their time than to make others feel like shit.. You don’t me, but vent anytime. Cutting will only get worse… Trust me. Stick to your motto – never give up girl.

    • nevergiveupgirl February 22, 2012 at 2:37 am #

      I know it does. Last time I cut I used a small saw I found in my garage. Not a saw for cutting down trees but small plants. and yeah im trying not to give up and its hard

  2. Erica February 21, 2012 at 11:41 pm #

    I’m honestly trying to think of something inspirational to say that might, in some way, give you the motivation to keep going, but I’m drawing a blank; nothing seems to fit. Just know that you are a lovely person, and — as cliche as this is — if people are trying to bring you down, it only means that you are above them.
    Karate and excersicing is an excellent outlet for any emotional issue; keep it up! And no matter what, know that you are loved. I don’t pretend to know who you are or what you’re going through, but you’ve got friends and you’ve got family. There are people who will stand up for you, and help you stand up on your own.
    All this to say, you can keep going. I know you can, and I don’t even know who you are.

    • nevergiveupgirl February 22, 2012 at 2:39 am #

      aww thanks for the kind words and I will try to keep going! its hard to stop cutting how that I have started again 😦 But i have not done it three days so thats a start

      • Erica February 22, 2012 at 3:54 am #

        If you think your therapist may not understand what you’re going through or how to help, there are more intensive-care therapists out there, and complete in-patient programs if that’s what you think you need. There’s nothing wrong with asking for more help if that’s what will get you through the day/week/month/year/decade/life.
        As for the cutting — three days is better than nothing! (: Keep up the positive attitude, and keep busy!

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